For those of you that have followed me and read my blog posts for the last two years you will know I’ve had (like most people in their twenties) ups and downs in the world of dating. I’ve written about How To Play The Tinder Game, How To Tell The Difference Between a Fuck Boy and a Forever Boy, and Why Women Date Players to name a few. But I’d like to think that as I approach my 27th year of life (on 3rd March to be exact!) I have learnt a lot about both myself and the best ways to maintain happiness whilst trying to navigate the difficult world of dating in this modern day.
Here are a few of my pearls of wisdom:
- Be Less Picky – I don’t mean date absolutely anyone but I think the culture of online dating and the possibility of literally anyone being available at the swipe of your finger has turned us into an incredibly picky generation that will forever think the grass is greener unless we stop focusing on whether our potential suitor is 6ft, has a beard and wears a suit, and focus more on the important things such as how that person makes us FEEL. Ultimately, you could be dating the most beautiful, successful man in the world but if he makes you feel like shit then what is the point? Focusing instead on how a person makes you feel – ideally happy, loved, safe, special – will be what leads you to a happy, long lasting relationship than whether he works in a bank or not.
- Don’t Give Players The Time Of Day – London (and the rest of the world) is riddled with them at the moment, but players are only so prominent because – and I hate to say this – women LET them be players. Think about it, if a guy wants to just use a woman for sex he will text her at 2am and ask her to come to his house. If she agrees, all she is doing is feeding the notion that him behaving that way is perfectly acceptable. If instead we stand our ground and don’t give them the time of day, sure we may lose them as a result ( but in the grand scheme of things what would we have actually lost?) but if slowly, more and more women started turning men down for one night stands and casual flings, they would eventually realise they have to up their game and make more effort they want to attract the attention of women.
- Don’t Compare Yourself To Others – this is SO important. Don’t compare your single status or your relationship to anyone else. People love to portray happy, carefree images of their relationship, when in reality what goes on behind closed doors is very different. Don’t compare someone else’s highlight reel to your reality as you will always fall short. Just focus on making yourself happy and whether you find love at 17, 29 or 46, it really doesn’t matter. Relationships are marathons not sprints.
- Always Believe In Yourself – this links back to my point about not giving players the time of day. Many women (myself included) have let men treat them badly because they don’t believe they are worth anything more or deserve anything better. This is so wrong and has to change, but the change has to come from within. For anyone that reads this point and finds that is resonates with them, I want you to get a pen and piece of paper and write a list of 5-10 things that you know you bring to a relationship. I don’t mean looks or wealth, but qualities to make someone happy, it could be that you are kind, thoughtful or patient. Then stick those points somewhere that you will see them everyday – on your bedside table or blue tac it to your mirror – and read it everyday, reminding yourself daily of the good qualities that you have to offer until they move from your subconscious to your conscious mind and you realise you DO deserve more, because you have so much to give to someone.
- Don’t Get Bogged Down By The Ticking Clock – this applies to both men and women, albeit women naturally worry about this more, but I’ve met many men who hit 30 and panic that they don’t have a wife and child. Do not let your age and society’s archaic views dictate who you date. Don’t get into a long term relationship with someone you’re not sure of just because all your friends are getting married and your mother is pestering you for grandchildren. It’s your life, not theirs. Would you rather be married to the wrong person by 30 but divorced by 35? Or married at 33 to the right person and happy for the rest of your life? To me, it’s a no brainier.
- Give Out The Vibes You Want To Receive – both to the Universe and other people. I’ve been doing this recently and it works so well. I realise it can sound wishy washy, and I’m not someone that ever believes in this kind of thing normally but I recently read a book called ‘How To Be A Badass’ by Jen Sincero and it changed my life. I quit my corporate job that I hated and finally became a freelancer (more on that in another post), I started putting out vibes to men and the Universe that I wanted someone meaningful and great and that I wouldn’t settle for anything less. And that’s exactly what I got. I have so many single friends that spend all their time moaning that they will be single forever, that they can’t hold down a relationship or get past date two. The more you focus on thinking and talking about the negatives, the more the negatives will not only happen, but continue to stay in your life. I have been on SO many dates, and the majority of them have been disastrous but I haven’t thought that just because one date went badly or one relationship screwed up that I was destined to be single forever. They just weren’t the right person, or it wasn’t the right time. You need to learn to actively try and turn anything negative that happens to you ( not just in the dating world but life too) into a positive, otherwise you will be destined to live a miserable life because you will ignore anything good that comes your way and fixate on the negative.
To my lovely readers, what are your thoughts? Do any of these posts resonate with you? Do you think I have missed any important ones out?
Don’t take things personally. Online dating is, to a greater or lesser extend, horrifically superficial and makes it easy to feel disposable and interchangeable. If people are treating you like that then there’s a more than good chance it’s not you – it’s merely their warped impression of what dating is in the modern world. If they stand you up, it’s because they think that’s acceptable. If they send dick pics it’s not because they think you have led them on and have asked for it, it’s because they think that’s normal courtship practice.
Wait to find the person who does take a personal approach, who makes you feel like an individual and important to them. Cared for. Valued. Appreciated. They’re worth the third date.
There are no bad dates. Even the worst dates give you the chance to work out what you don’t want in a partner, or give you a chance to try out some new stories, or at the very least give you a good story for when someone else asks you what the worst date you’ve ever been on was. Take something from every single one and use the crap as manure to help you grow.
Well, those are just a couple of thoughts from someone with ten years more life experience but significantly less dating experience anyway!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts – I couldn’t agree more. Bad dates are definitely a good way of learning what you want and don’t want (which can often be surprising!). You’re right too about it being them thinking it’s acceptable to behave a certain way – very opening and helpful to change perspectives on things once you realise that!
Thanks for taking the time to read my post 🙂 Giulia
Love this. I have actually made the decision to set clear boundaries with exbf/bff recently. I know it will be hard the next time he asks to fool around but not only does it hold me back from possibly finding the right guy, it gives me hope and non-clear boundaries for me and him. I need to change that so I can move forward. I am not sure what my future holds BUT I will not settle and I will be happy.
EXACTLY! Well done you for setting those boundaries and moving away from a situation that you may know and feel comfortable in but you know you deserve more than – go you! 🙂 xx
An old uni friend and I were discussing this over dinner yesterday generally! Someone somewhere is always going to be jealous/comparing their lives against yours so just live! No point comparing. And hell yass to ditching feck boyz. Very empowering once you realise you don’t want to be that person anymore. Another great post Giulia! <3
Thank you so much lovely! Glad you liked it and could agree with it 🙂 it’s such an empowering feeling!