Since moving to London just over two years ago I have dated people both from online dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble and also people I have met through friends or at events. I’m forever discussing with friends which setup provides the better outcome and in my personal opinion, I still believe that meeting people in ‘real life’ is better and often more successful than meeting someone on an online dating app.
Here are my reasons why:
Lack of context:- speaking to someone on a dating app that you have been matched with from 5 carefully selected pictures that they have chosen to represent themselves makes it very difficult to gauge their real personality -you have no context in which to try and understand them in. Whereas when you are in a bar, you can observe someone in a natural setting, you can see how they carry themselves, how they interact with friends and their general body language, all of which contribute (albeit sometimes subconsciously) to whether or not we are drawn to a person.
Artificial photographs:-I touched upon this in my last point, but men and women alike will pick their best angles and lighting, use heavy filters and strike the same pose in order to make them look as great as possible. My biggest pet peeve is multiple pictures with sunglasses. Stats show that people are 40% more attractive with sunglasses on, and whenever I see a picture of a guy wearing shades in every photo I’m immediately turned off as I feel as though they are hiding. Many of my male friends have recounted stories of meeting women that look nothing like their heavily edited photos, whereas I’ve known many women to be pleasantly surprised by meeting guys they thought would be average yet turned out to be much better looking in their pictures. Either way, dating pictures don’t tend to give a real indication of what someone looks like, which means we could disregard people that we would have potentially said yes to in real life (how many of you would have swiped yes if you’d seen & met your ex on Tinder?) and give too much time to people that are portraying an enhanced image of themselves. Meeting someone in real life removes all these obstacles, you know immediately whether you find someone attractive or not.
The whole set up is artificial and forced:- you go for dinner or on a date with the heavy pressure and expectation that you will like each other and want to date again rather than letting yourself naturally be drawn to someone and see how things go. It completely rules out being attracted to someone based on chemistry. How many times have you met someone in real life and been drawn to them but unable to explain why? Maybe a colleague that isn’t your usual type or a friend that you suddenly start to see in a different light. Without that context and insight into their personality and potential charisma we are using blind faith to hope that we will be compatible with someone.
You treat people with less respect:-As dating apps are so often likened to games, more often than not, both men and women treat people they have met on a dating app with less respect than if they had met at a party or through a mutual friend. When you meet someone on app there is an underlying knowledge in all of us that that person is easily disposable of. In the same speed that we matched with them we can easily unmatch/ghost/bench/any other crappy term for how people treat each other now. It’s almost as though we don’t count these people as real, and therefore their feelings aren’t real, so it doesn’t matter if we hurt them or just never speak to them again with no forewarning.
You judge people based on their text speak: I don’t want to generalise here, but I think usually women tend to speak in a similar fashion over WhatsApp as they do in real life. Whereas men can be very different. They can be shorter, less emotional and more functional over message than they ever would in real life. This is fine if you’ve met that person in the real world but if you’re trying to decide whether or not to go on a date with someone, the way they communicate with you via text is often a big decision factor in whether or not you agree to meet in person. Again, this means we could be missing out on meeting potentially great people that are just shit texters.
You are way more fussy:- Oh he’s not 6ft 3 and working at a bank? Not interested. In real life we care less about those details and more about how we feel around that person. Often when women meet a guy in real life they don’t care if they are the same height because they are judging them on so many other things: the way they talk, how they make you feel, their body language. But when all you have is superficial choices, many women will completely disregard a guy that states his height is 5ft 8 (or whatever your height is) in their bio.
Which also makes us give up quicker:- Oh he said something that didn’t sit quite right? Bye. Again, linking back to the point about people being more disposable of we often give people very little margin for error. If they say something that doesn’t quite bode well or have a different view or value to us, we disregard them much quicker than someone we’ve met in real life because we instil a bigger level of respect in them and are willing to give them multiple chances, we are only human after all.
To my ever lovely readers, what do you think? Have you experienced any of the above? Do you agree with what I say, or disagree perhaps?
Giulia x
well, I met my very best female friend on-line, so I’m all in favour of starting with an on-line relationship. <3
Author
That’s awesome! There are definitely some great success stories out there too.
Been the target of scams on online dating (Match, Coffee Meets Bagel). Been the subject of ridicule on online dating (OKCupid, Tinder). Cheaper to get silence (eHarmony, Bumble). Realised that it’s better for my self esteem that I just meet someone in person instead. No matter how rarely that happens.
Author
Thank you for sharing and sorry that your experiences haven’t been great. Glad you agree that meeting in person is better! It’s better to wait and meet a few great people than lots of crappy people!
I agree with all of this! I’m SO much more conscious of saying yes or no online, but in real life I’ll talk to anyone haha! Like you said, you can gage the vibe in real life so somehow superficial/stereotypical attractiveness is not as high on the priority list. Great blog!!
Author
Exactly! So glad you agree and can relate lovely, thanks for reading it 😘
Can’t wait to read more 💖💖💖
Author
Thank you lovely! I can’t wait to keep reading yours too 😘
Great point about the disposability of relationships – when I meet someone in real life and they later don’t return messages it hurts way more than if that happens online-only.
I’m coming to the realisation that online should supplement my real life dating experiences rather than being the sole driver. It will allow me to potentially meet more new people, but real life is where my ideal focus is. Totally takes the pressure off maintaining the dating cycle of swipe-match-message-whatsapp-meet-followup-ditch-move on – swipe – repeat.
Author
That’s a really great attitude to have, I think it can become soul destroying if Tinder is the main way you find dates because of the cycle that you have stated – couldn’t agree more!
“I still believe that meeting people in ‘real life’ is better and often more successful than meeting someone on an online dating app.”
I wholeheartedly agree with you. On all your points actually.
As beneficial as Tinder is, it only provides a glimpse into who someone is, and that more times than none doesn’t prove to be genuine. It creates an aspect of shopping, choosing which products you prefer, if you will. And that takes away the human aspect to it. It creates an illusion of grand choice which you do not actually have, as it’s predicated on mutual responses. Tinder much like a variety of apps, are designed to fit the needs of people (us, millennials, 20s, 30s blablabla) who are strapped for time. Thing is we lose value for one an other. Not saying there aren’t happy endings to Tinder. As a sucker for happy endings I would certainly hope there is. But, it can be as troublesome as it is helpful.
Author
I’m glad you agree! It’s definitely similar to shopping and does cater to people with not much time but I think for there to be any change we all need to realise that we have to actually invest time into relationships and dating to make them work. We’re all
Happy to put time into our careers, fitness and diet but often let dating and our love lives be rushed in comparison. I too am a sucker for happy endings!
Think that’s one of the problems right there – time. Always feeling strapped for time. Guess the way most people prioritize their times and activities is becoming slanted.
Author
It definitely is.. maybe it will reach a point where it’s so bad people have to change?
or move on to another App…because, millennial traits.
Author
Also very true!
EXACTLY!!! I tried Tinder, naively believing I would meet like-minded people looking for relationships. Instead, I met men pretending to want relationships, and then either ghosting or just treating me with total disrespect. Both of these guys were older than me and had teenage daughters. Disgusting. Suffice to say, I’ve learnt my lesson, and won’t ever put myself through that ever again.
Author
I’m sorry to hear that.. it’s sad that people feel they can treat others this way. But at least you tried it and know for yourself.. I think real life meet ups are definitely the way to go.
I am in love with this post. I wish there was a better way to meet people than online dating! 🙁
Author
Thank you so much lovely! Totally share your pain!
Just went on a really awkward date and i thought about what you said that men are totally different on whatsapp than they are in real life! 🙄
Author
I’m so glad you can relate and that you thought of me and my post 🙂 Was he better in real life or worse?
Worse. It was so painful, i struggled to initiate a conversation. 😭
Author
Oh no! That’s the worst way around for it to be!!
I agree with this in many ways but there are pros to online dating. I like being able to weed out religious and political differences on line. I do not like the ones like Tinder that are mostly photos. I prefer the ones with actual profiles and don’t talk to the guys that obviously do not read my profile. I am currently not on a site nor actively trying to date but I am sure I will go back to using web sites again eventually. I have met some great guys online that became great friends even though they didn’t work out romantically
Author
Hello you! I agree I think if you are looking for something a bit more serious it can be better to use a site like match.com where a user has impart a bit more information than just their age and four photographs! That’s awesome that you were able to create some great friendships from them 🙂