It’s Not You, It’s Them

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There have been many instances when a casual relationship ends and we believe it’s because of something we have done or said (especially women), we internalise our insecurities and they exacerbate as soon as something happens. Perhaps we thought we were too keen, too available, too open, too honest. Despite the person we’re dating not pointing that out as a flaw we believe that it ended due to one of those personality traits that we are unable to cage and we take that with us into our next relationship. We try to be less open, less available, less honest with the next guy, in the vain hope that the relationship will last longer now that we have got a control on these unruly behaviours.

But what I have learnt is that 99% of the time, a relationship ending is not a reflection of our behaviour, but more of where the other person is, in their current circumstance and state of mind. I’ve even taken this a step further and asked the people I’ve dated previously to explain why, in their eyes, the relationship fell apart. Every single time I have asked the response has not been anything to do with me or an insecurity of mine that I thought I may have exposed, but as I predicted, due to their state. They were too focused on their job, they didn’t want a relationship with anyone, they were about to go travelling, they wanted to focus on XYZ. Whatever the reason, it could have been any girl they were saying this to, not just me.

I’m referring less to long term relationships where there is an open discussion at the end for why it didn’t work out, but more to flings or casual relationships that are so common in London that last from anything from two weeks to a few months and then fizzle with no real explanation or reason.

So the advice I would like to give to both men and women that find themselves in these situations (and in London it is rife amongst my friends) is not to take the ending of a relationship or fling personally, but to see it as an experience, a stepping stone to getting closer to the real thing. Don’t think there is something wrong with you, or you weren’t enough. You ARE enough. You just didn’t meet the right person, in the right circumstance at the right time. But depending on how you look at relationships and love, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and every relationship you have – good or bad- changes you and teaches you things that help you in future serious or casual relationships.

My advice is to KEEP GOING. Rejection is a part of life, and even though it hurts and sucks majorly at the time, life goes on and before you know it you will have met someone else and that one person that you spent endless nights worrying about, will be nothing more than a distant memory.

But, if you are especially curious ( like I always am) and prepare yourself mentally, ask for feedback! You never know, it could surprise you. I have had a guy that I was incredibly interested in, tell me that he thought I didn’t care one bit, which I realised was because I had been trying so hard to come across as casual and aloof I had pushed him in the opposite direction.

Have any of my delightful readers ever asked an ex for essentially, dating feedback?!

Giulia x

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22 Comments

  1. Recluseangel
    September 15, 2017 / 12:25 am

    Just the other day I was thinking about it you know the famous ” nothings wrong with you it’s me”

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      September 18, 2017 / 4:18 pm

      Haha exactly! I tried to do a little spin on it with this title 🙂

  2. September 15, 2017 / 12:51 am

    I agree with this so much and find it is so common amongst my female friends, who end up blaming themselves and spent hours wondering what they did. My male friends on the other hand rarely spend time wondering what they did wrong and instead accept it and move on. I think these traits are very much learned by each gender from a young age but it’d be really good to see more people just accept that it didn’t work out without putting the blame on themselves. Having said that, I do believe it is important to admit you have faults and flaws and to accept if they were part of ending a relationship – if you have a jealous streak and the relationship ended because you looked through your partner’s phone – I think it’s great to work on something like that but as you said, a lot of the time it’s just not the right time or place.

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      September 18, 2017 / 4:19 pm

      Thank you for your comment VAlentina! It’s great to see that other people notice it too and I agree, I notice it less in men (or maybe men don’t talk about it as much). I think there is a fine line between accepting and understanding your flaws and not blaming yourself for everything!

  3. Jane Dough
    September 15, 2017 / 10:49 pm

    I asked the first guy I dated after my divorce why it ended. He said I seemed too “needy” and clingy whenever he left my house. Geeez I was just saying good bye. Should I merely tap you on the shoulder and say “See ya!” Ironically, I was never really that into him. He was the first guy I had dated in 15 years. And I was lonely, and probably was too clingy — amusingly, not because of him but he was merely the first male I had had in my bed other than my husband since 2001.

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      September 18, 2017 / 4:20 pm

      That’s so interesting! Sometimes the feedback can be so off what you were expecting that it can make you realise that that person wasn’t right for you too. I have a male friend who ditched a girl because she hugged him after a date and he found it too clingy.. there is just no pleasing some people 🙂

      • Jane Dough
        September 18, 2017 / 6:19 pm

        Ohmygoodness 😂🤣 That is hysterical.

        • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
          September 19, 2017 / 12:21 pm

          I know right!! 😂

  4. September 17, 2017 / 10:15 pm

    Very true. I was only with my last boyfriend for a few months. I ended things myself because he didn’t make me a priority. He lived 5 minutes away, yet he only made time for me like once every two weeks. I discovered that it wasn’t something wrong with me but that he just couldn’t be invested in a relationship at that point in time.

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      September 18, 2017 / 4:22 pm

      Well done you for putting yourself first and calling an end to the relationship. I think it’s also a case of setting standards for yourself and knowing what you will and won’t accept. I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone that wants to see you more than once every two weeks! Xx

  5. September 18, 2017 / 9:20 pm

    Ugh yes!!! I’ve written about this so much on my blog and you’ve perfectly spelled it out here. The first thing many people want to ask, “what did I do wrong?” but it’s truly them and what they’re feeling. Great post!

    -GG
    http://www.girlingamba.com

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      September 19, 2017 / 12:22 pm

      Thank you glad you can relate 🙂 will check our posts now!! Xx

  6. September 20, 2017 / 5:32 pm

    It’s so true with my hubby i used to think it was me when really it was him .. his state of mind.. what else he priorities above me.. yes rejection hurts but u r right.. its them not ready.. it’s 2 people meeting at the wrong time xx

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      October 5, 2017 / 11:07 pm

      So glad you can relate savana! I truly believe it is more of a case of wrong time and circumstance x

  7. October 4, 2017 / 5:02 pm

    When I was younger I thought it was my obligation to give my exes feedback during the break up. They did not like that at all, usually because they didn’t ask for it, but we were in high school and I figured our relationships were nothing but learning experiences! They felt differently. Oh, well. Having a post-breakup relationship in which you can ask questions and get honest answers has always been my ideal. I just wish more people were open to it.

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      October 5, 2017 / 11:06 pm

      Im sure over time they will have appreciated the feedback but I guess in the moment it may feel like too much! If definitely helps if people are more open though 🙂

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      October 5, 2017 / 11:05 pm

      Thank you for your kind words!

  8. October 5, 2017 / 12:23 pm

    Truly it is not you; it is them. This piece spoke to me.

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      October 5, 2017 / 11:04 pm

      Im so glad you could relate!

  9. October 13, 2017 / 2:09 am

    I have and it was amazing getting the feedback. It changed the way I dated as one guy had no idea that I was into him when I liked him. Made me be more open with my next potential. It’s a great exercise as I think there is something to learn from every relationship whether short or long

    • justanothersinglegirlinlondon
      October 13, 2017 / 5:57 pm

      Exactly! People should definitely be more open to understanding both their pros and cons, glad you can relate 🙂

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