There have been many instances when a casual relationship ends and we believe it’s because of something we have done or said (especially women), we internalise our insecurities and they exacerbate as soon as something happens. Perhaps we thought we were too keen, too available, too open, too honest. Despite the person we’re dating not pointing that out as a flaw we believe that it ended due to one of those personality traits that we are unable to cage and we take that with us into our next relationship. We try to be less open, less available, less honest with the next guy, in the vain hope that the relationship will last longer now that we have got a control on these unruly behaviours.
But what I have learnt is that 99% of the time, a relationship ending is not a reflection of our behaviour, but more of where the other person is, in their current circumstance and state of mind. I’ve even taken this a step further and asked the people I’ve dated previously to explain why, in their eyes, the relationship fell apart. Every single time I have asked the response has not been anything to do with me or an insecurity of mine that I thought I may have exposed, but as I predicted, due to their state. They were too focused on their job, they didn’t want a relationship with anyone, they were about to go travelling, they wanted to focus on XYZ. Whatever the reason, it could have been any girl they were saying this to, not just me.
I’m referring less to long term relationships where there is an open discussion at the end for why it didn’t work out, but more to flings or casual relationships that are so common in London that last from anything from two weeks to a few months and then fizzle with no real explanation or reason.
So the advice I would like to give to both men and women that find themselves in these situations (and in London it is rife amongst my friends) is not to take the ending of a relationship or fling personally, but to see it as an experience, a stepping stone to getting closer to the real thing. Don’t think there is something wrong with you, or you weren’t enough. You ARE enough. You just didn’t meet the right person, in the right circumstance at the right time. But depending on how you look at relationships and love, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and every relationship you have – good or bad- changes you and teaches you things that help you in future serious or casual relationships.
My advice is to KEEP GOING. Rejection is a part of life, and even though it hurts and sucks majorly at the time, life goes on and before you know it you will have met someone else and that one person that you spent endless nights worrying about, will be nothing more than a distant memory.
But, if you are especially curious ( like I always am) and prepare yourself mentally, ask for feedback! You never know, it could surprise you. I have had a guy that I was incredibly interested in, tell me that he thought I didn’t care one bit, which I realised was because I had been trying so hard to come across as casual and aloof I had pushed him in the opposite direction.
Have any of my delightful readers ever asked an ex for essentially, dating feedback?!