As I often discuss in my blog posts, millennials live in an era where they are more likely to get 3am booty calls than they are marriage proposals. The rise of online dating has allowed us to become picky, disposable and harsh to others.
Gone are the times where you need to make an effort to pursue a girl, gone are the days where a girl can play hard to get and a boy will stick around instead of moving on to his next Tinder match, and gone are the days where you can rest assured that the guy you are dating is only interested in you.
Instead, we live in a time, especially in London, where you enter into encounters with men (and women) on the assumption that you are one of many, and until either of you decides that the other is ‘enough’ or that there isn’t anyone better out there for you, it will continue to remain that way.
I realise this made sound cynical and negative, but it’s just the reality of the dating world we currently live in. Granted I am surrounded by several friends that are in happy long term relationships, but they are far and few between and the majority of which met in ‘real life’ as opposed to online.
Women are constantly faced with having to embark on casual relationships in order to keep a guy interested and hope to win him over, but the reality is, women are just not equipped for casual relationships. No matter how much we may protest the opposite to men and sceptical friends.
Here are my reasons why:
- Deep down we always think we can be the one to change a man, we believe we possess what all the tens of women before us didn’t have that couldn’t tie down the guy, so we are willing to go along with a casual relationship to test the waters and see what impact we have on them. But what we often fail to do, the more time we spend with this guy, is to keep our emotions casual too.
- Ultimately women are driven to find someone to reproduce with – it all boils down to biology and most of our actions are driven by our animal needs. So despite whatever actions/feelings/emotions/behaviours we show to a potential suitor, deep down, we just want to find a suitable mate, and a casual relationship is not a scenario that will ever provide a suitable mate.
- We need more than just to make sex feel good – generally speaking (but not all the time) sex is less enjoyable for women if they are aware that the man has no feelings towards her except for someone that he can sleep with. Nothing beats the feelings of knowing the person you are having sex with, likes you or loves you as much as you do them.
- The more time we spend with them, the more we want and expect to be involved in their life. As a woman I can totally understand why after several months of dating you would want to get to know their friends and family, but I can guarantee that unless you’ve already had the talk of being official, any mention of meeting their family will have them running for the hills.
- Following on from that, the more time we spend with them, the more likely we are to detach ourselves from other guys we are talking to or seeing in our lives and expect them to do the same. I think this is the major difference between men and women in casual dating. As women grow more attached to one person, they remove the other ‘backups’ from their life, whereas men (again generally speaking in relation to online dating) don’t tend to have the same drive. The more emotions that we develop towards them, the more jealous we become at the thought of them still dating other people and struggle with the set up of the casual relationship.
- Science – both men and women release oxytocin after sex, but women release more of it – it’s nicknamed the attachment hormone that makes us instinctively like a man more after we have slept with them, so we’re doomed from the off.
I don’t know what the solution to the problem is, I just know how I and many other young single girls in London feel when we are in casual relationships.
If any of my lovely readers has any advice or solutions for how to counter this, I would love to hear!