This article is mainly for my lovely single ladies, but it would great to hear men’s thoughts on what I’m about to share.
After having battled through Tinder & Bumble for near on 3 years, I’m grateful that I met my partner in ‘real life’ as I truly believe that dating sites and apps are not the best way to meet the right person for you. Sure, there are going to be some great examples of people that have had long term relationships, gotten married and even had children, but they are far and few between. The majority of people go through a series of unsuccessful conversations, dates and flings and wonder what they are doing wrong. Let me tell you : you are not doing anything wrong except for the fact you are looking for something in the wrong place. There have been endless reports stating that men see Tinder in the same light as Angry birds or Candy Crush: a fun way to kill some time.
What these apps take away is the chance for real chemistry to form, for you to observe an individual in a natural environment where you will subconsciously pick up on non verbal cues and behaviours that will influence your judgement of that individual, as oppose to a series of pictures they have been carefully selected, and if you’re lucky, a two word bio stating their height.
But regardless, for many of us, Tinder & Bumble are still the main ways of finding potential dates and boyfriends/girlfriends so below are some tips that may help you navigate the tricky world of online dating:
- Try where you can to have a good opening line – especially if you are using Bumble as for ladies that is the only way to start a conversation. It shows you’ve paid attention to their profile pictures and bio, and is a bit more interesting than a bland ‘hi how are you?’
- keep the conversation light hearted for as long as possible. Try not to launch into a rant about how you’ve been hurt in the past and can’t trust people, everybody has a back story but there is a time and place for when to share that and Tinder isn’t it.
- Don’t come across too keen – I realise that this is easier said than done, especially if you like the person. Hint that you want to meet up but don’t suggest a time and place, don’t set the precedent that you are more into it than them, let them chase you, keep some mystery.
- If you make it to the date stage, try and pick somewhere casual –maybe have a plan B and tell them that you have somewhere to go in 3 hours so if it’s awful you can leave without feeling guilty. But at the same time..
- Give people a chance – I used to pick people based on if I found them immediately attractive which was about a 0.003 second decision. Instead try to look closely at their profile and gauge what you can about someone’s character from the types of pictures they upload and what they write in their bio. Give people a chance, they may surprise you.
- Try to be as objective as possible on the date and go in there with an open mind. If you meet them and they are 5ft 8 instead of the 6ft they assured you they were, don’t let it be a deal breaker. Don’t set too many expectations or put pressure on yourself for it to go a certain way. Try to get to know the person first before making any quick decisions.
- Always have at least two people on the go – not for forever, but just to begin with. It allows you to keep your options open and not place too much emphasis on one person. If one person lets you down then you are less likely to kick off and be demanding. That’s not to say you have to be like that throughout but until you know someone’s true intentions with you, try to spread your eggs into a couple of baskets.
- As hard as it sounds, try to be as laid back as possible about the whole thing. The majority of people don’t go on Tinder expecting to find a partner so set your own expectations in your head before you start using the app. Do you want some harmless fun? Do you want to date a few people? Do you want a serious relationship? Then use that to filter the type of people you come across. If you’re after a serious relationship, then maybe think twice about the guy who looks super hot but from his pictures and bio looks like he’s only after some fun. You’re only going to end up disappointed and waste your time.
- Never be demanding, (until you are in relationship) but at the same time don’t be a pushover. There’s a fine line that you can tread and be successful on the app. Don’t demand that someone commits to you and deletes the app after one date but at the same time if you sleep with them and they don’t text you for a week, decide whether you should reply or not, or you set a precedent for that behaviour to keep happening.
- Always maintain some mystery – which is a polite way of saying don’t sleep with them on the first date. In a world where people literally have thousands of options at the touch of their fingertips, if you give them everything they want with them only having to by you a couple of beers they will feel as though they have won without even trying and dismiss you. Trust me on this one. Give them something to chase.
To my lovely, ever faithful readers – what are your thoughts? x