Why I Don’t Believe In The Honeymoon Period

Why I Don’t Believe In The Honeymoon Period

To clarify, I don’t mean the period after which a couple has gotten married, but more so the first few months that a couple embark on a relationship. It is a common notion that when you first meet your partner, the beginning is supposed to be ‘bliss’, aka free of arguments and upset and should simply involve you floating on cloud nine on a daily basis.

‘These are the best times in a relationship, before anything gets serious and you’re just obsessed with each other and wanting to be together as often as possible.’

 I couldn’t agree less with this statement and general view. When you first meet someone, you have absolutely no idea what they are like except for the fact you have a mutual attraction to each other. You don’t know anything about their family, and upbringing, what their friends are like, how many past relationships they have and how they treated their partners, what their work ethic is, their religious views, what their biggest fears are,  how ambitious they are. When you first meet someone, you get to know them slowly, and usually they only reveal their best characteristics first (and could be why people think the first few months should be the best ones, as you’re not really with a ‘real’ version of yourself, more just a projection of the best possible version of yourself that you wish to be and for others to see.

At the start of any relationship, whatever age you meet, you are flung together with someone (albeit normally by choice) and expected to click and get along straight off the bat. If you think of all the other types of relationships you have in life: colleagues, friends, housemates – have any of those relationships started that way? Or has it taken a bit of time to warm to the person, get to know them and what makes them tick, and then finally, when you’ve sussed each other out, you can feel like you’ve ‘clicked.’

The same goes for relationships and it’s something I am experiencing in my relationship at the moment, especially as we are both from two very different worlds. We are using this ‘honeymoon period’ to suss each other out. And whilst that does involve some good times, it also involves some less good times were we realise we don’t agree on some things, or have different outlooks to life, or discover things about our past that we don’t like. But personally, I would rather be upfront and honest and lay my cards on the table at the very start of a relationship than to be a fake version of myself until a year into the relationship and then realise we just aren’t compatible. I would rather have a period of figuring each other out and aligning with one another, and then have a potential lifetime of a honeymoon period, than the other way around.

I’m not saying that everybody behaves in this way, but I think so many of us are fixated with having a perfect relationship at the beginning, that if anything arises that we don’t like, such as how we behave with people of the opposite sex whilst in a relationship, we keep schtum and try to act ‘cool’ and ‘carefree’ thinking that this is how an ideal boyfriend/girlfriend should be and to avoid any conflict. What this actually does is give the other person in the relationship the false idea that you are happy with how they behave around people of the opposite sex and so they will continue to do so, until, a year into the relationship you can’t hold in how much it pisses you off and you flip. Perhaps that leads to a breakdown in a relationship, perhaps it leads to a break, perhaps it leads to a realisation that you are too misaligned to work. Whatever it does, I firmly believe that the sooner this happens the better. Surely it’s better to suss out you’re not right for each other as early on as possible so as not to waste both of your time? Or even better, surely it’s better to raise the fact you don’t like how they behave early on so you can work through the issue together when you are both calm(ish) and find a way to move forward with it positively. Cue a calm and stress free time, instead of pent up and anxious 12 months that are portrayed as your ‘picture perfect honeymoon period’ months.

To my ever faithful readers – what are your thoughts on this? Do you believe the honeymoon period should exist at the start?

Follow:
Share:

39 Comments

  1. February 22, 2017 / 6:16 pm

    Strong flames tend to burn out. Slow burning fires get larger over time. The very term “honeymoon period” implies that the relationship will be heading south over time. Perhaps the person that coined the term was a serial monogamist?

    My wife and I are stronger now than we were when we first met. Because shared values, when watered with experience, grow into strong trees.

    • February 22, 2017 / 6:49 pm

      Very relevant phrase right there!! Glad you can relate 🙂

  2. February 22, 2017 / 6:19 pm

    Exactly! I think “expectations” play a key part in not getting hung up.on the homeymoon phase. And sometimes people EXPECT too much too soon. Definitely been guilty of that. Glad to hear you and your guy are discussing these differences. Oh Joy! Sounds promising.

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:48 am

      Thank you 🙂 exactly, I’m trying to keep my expectations realistic but not low at the same time!

  3. February 22, 2017 / 6:46 pm

    Is it weird to consider the time before an actual relationship forms as the honeymoon period? The time where a couple is infatuated with one another, typically in lust; I feel like that is more the honeymoon phase because there is little to no expectation of the other. Hope this makes sense…

    • February 22, 2017 / 6:48 pm

      Yes sorry that is the time period I’m referring to! Once the relationship has formed but is in the first initial stages of that makes sense?

      • February 22, 2017 / 7:15 pm

        I only believe it to be a honeymoon phase because knowingly or not, emotions seem to always run so high and everything, even down to the slightest touch, is so exhilarating. Those moments only exist at the very beginning of a relationship, and fade as time progresses; hence, the honeymoon phase.

        • February 23, 2017 / 10:50 am

          I agree! I think it’s more the expectation that if everything isn’t hunky dory at the very beginning than the relationship isn’t ‘right.’

  4. Coyote from Orion
    February 22, 2017 / 6:53 pm

    Agree. Same for any working relationship where people are in cooperation with one another working toward a particular goal even if that goal simply be to be in cooperation working alongside of each other. A good society (in the classical sense of ‘society’) is all about relationships. I guess leadership is always important in any relationship. Qualities of leadership are not only the responsibility of our political and business leaders. Good parents set an example in the home. We set an example in society how we treat others. As someone who will most likely never have children I have just as much responsibility what sort of example I set…. though I am not sure if this cat who has just jumped up on me counts.

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:49 am

      Thanks for your sharing your thoughts! Glad you can relate 🙂

      • Coyote from Orion
        February 23, 2017 / 10:52 am

        Cheers. A lot I won’t work out in this lifetime. I do believe in karma and that we come here to work on things. Moon is currently void of course so if you try something now that usually wouldn’t work, your chances might be better…. without being an idiot 😎😆

        • February 24, 2017 / 10:03 am

          I totally believe in karma too! Thanks for the tip, I may just do that 🙂

          • Coyote from Orion
            February 24, 2017 / 10:06 am

            Karma…. Saturn…. north node. Mostly I see our karma as the work our souls have come here to do. The Greeks and the Norse believed in the Fates… like a rope. It is up to us how gracefully we work with it. Have a great weekend. 20 years since I have been in your city.

  5. February 22, 2017 / 7:26 pm

    I met a girl, got engaged and married within a year, now been married 41 years and I wouldn’t say we know everything about each other or need to; for me a relationship is a state of being, constant yet ever changing, just as we as humans do. I’m not the same man I was in my twenties or any other decade, you learn about yourself through life and through giving of yourself to another. My comments I would imagine rarely help or seem relevant but you write in such an intriguing and enquiring way I’d find it rude to just ‘like’ and not give a view of relationships from the other end to you.

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:51 am

      I love reading your comments! I love hearing from a completely different perspective and it’s all interesting to hear from someone that HAS managed to make a relationship work for such a long time. It’s very impressive! I think you make very valid points about changing as a person and learning to adapt to that change 🙂

  6. February 22, 2017 / 8:25 pm

    I believe in doing something either planned or spontaneous to keep the romance going!

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:51 am

      That’s a very good tip! I think being spontaneous is so important 🙂

      • February 23, 2017 / 5:50 pm

        Yes, it needs flexibility to be spontaneous. When I’m in the middle of doing something, my husband said…. I said ‘sure’ with a firm voice to show that I don’t feel dragged. 🙂

        • February 24, 2017 / 10:06 am

          That’s a very good tip 🙂 thank you!!

  7. February 22, 2017 / 8:35 pm

    I think there’s two ways to look at this. I do think that initial attraction and CLICK is very heady and exhilarating. It’s so exciting to meet that amazing person and have them find you just as amazing. It certainly is a honeymoon period in that regard, because that initial rush of emotions isn’t sustainable long-term. Hopefully, it’s replaced by deeper abiding love and respect, with at least a small dose of still being so happy and excited to be together.

    However, our tendency to want to be on our best behavior, and not be vulnerable in showing our less desirable qualities, isn’t the best approach, as you have stated. I think it’s important to present all of ourselves, flaws and all…and be truly authentic. The love that comes from this level of vulnerability is the best kind of love…being loved for who we truly are.

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:53 am

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’m glad you agree, it’s so important to show your true self early on, even if the thought sounds scary. Like you say, if you can be loved for who you truly are than that is the best kind of love 🙂

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:53 am

      Thank you 🙂

  8. February 23, 2017 / 1:35 am

    I completely agree–the beginning of a relationship should be about building a foundation for the future (or figuring out if there is one) rather than basking in blissful ignorance of the other person’s inevitable imperfections. I wonder if there’s a difference in experiences between “go-with-the-flow” type people who are happy to fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat, and people who are searching only for serious and lasting relationships?

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:55 am

      I think there is! I think some people have a kind of Hollywood romance movie image in their head of how a relationship should be and are forever on a search for that one ‘soulmate’ so are happy to pick up and drop off people until they find the right one.

  9. February 23, 2017 / 2:34 am

    I’m not convinced that it should exist but most of the time, it probably does. The initial period is before the dirty socks, leaving the toilet seat up, arguments about finances, etc. The more comfortable we get, the more our habits and quirks show and it might not be too pleasant for the other person!

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:57 am

      Exactly, the ‘romance/honeymoon’ view of a picture perfect relationship will quickly fade (for some) when that happens!

  10. February 23, 2017 / 6:36 am

    No one shows their “Bad side” right off the top otherwise you would stay clear of that person. So that said I do believe that there is a honeymoon period not to hide your bad side but to have your butterflies , your feeling on floating on clouds and feeling like things are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with that. It happens all on it’s own. If it springs into true love then you really have something special. The problem is as I got older I realized there are few things that are worth arguing about which if I understood that when I was younger could have saved me some stressed moment in my first marriage. But I don’t think it is fair to discount the honeymoon period it is quite a unique moment and it is one that should be cherished for what it is and not questioned or slighted with the thought okay let me get the real person next. Good post by the way!

    • February 23, 2017 / 10:59 am

      Thank you very much 🙂 you make a valid point about learning what to argue/not argue about, I also think that is very important to understand too. I agree, nothing quite beats the butterflies and nerves at the start of a relationship 🙂

  11. February 23, 2017 / 6:19 pm

    Well, yes there is a honeymoon period, in all the relationships, not just between a girlfriend and a boyfriend or between a husband and a wife. And I feel everyone is at their best in the beginning because that’s the ideal time in a relationship – when other factors are constant like an annoying habit, lifestyle, beliefs, their actions and reactions etc. Since the relationship is new, people involved are still exploring each other’s personality, their thoughts, their past, family, choices they made and so forth… but when an incident arises that they don’t necessarily relate with or agree with, that’s when the problem starts or rather reality sets in. Then, there are other factors at play. But it’s okay… let the differences shine. Agree to disagree. Two different people cannot have everything similar, there are bound to be differences. Celebrate the differences. Let your life be a honeymoon period – a period where one can appreciate the person, the relationship and the happiness derived from it.

    Great article. Loved reading it. Look forward to some more.

    • February 24, 2017 / 10:09 am

      What a lovely comment 🙂 and so very true aswell! I think agreeing to disagree is very important too! Let your life be a honeymoond period is a brilliant motto to live by 🙂

  12. February 26, 2017 / 6:01 pm

    I couldn’t agree with you more! Excellent post and very insightful!

    • February 27, 2017 / 2:30 pm

      Thank you very much 🙂

  13. March 1, 2017 / 7:17 am

    My upbringing did not adequately prepare me for the whole dating thing, and my goodness did it show! I did everything I could to “make people like me”, and there were quite a few instances where it went to dangerous lengths. I was a complete idiot and I lost quite a bit of dignity as well. *laughs*

    I think, to a certain extent, there is a bit of a “honeymoon” phase with some people. I’ve known friends who completely disappeared from our group because they became fixated on their partner (sometimes it was a healthy relationship, sometimes not), but it’s not for everyone. I know I was pretty giddy when someone professed attraction and wanted to spend as much time with them as I could, but that was more out of an unhealthy desire for companionship than genuine interest, sadly.

    Anyway, I eventually got tired of all that because I was still striking out no matter what I did, so I just acted like myself. Like you, I really didn’t want to spend six months of my life only to find out the other person won’t be compatible. I did not have the time, energy, or desire to go through all that (and still don’t, which is why I stopped dating entirely). Nonetheless, I firmly believe in honesty at the beginning because it prevents mistakes down the road.

    • March 4, 2017 / 8:02 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing your views and being so honest! I think it’s hard not to have a honeymoon phase, I just think some people put too much emphasis on it!

      Good on you for not wasting your time and acting like yourself, that’s the best way to be 🙂

  14. March 9, 2017 / 4:40 pm

    I totally agree!

  15. May 27, 2017 / 2:41 pm

    Firstly thanks for following my blog and taking time to read it..

    You write “But personally, I would rather be upfront and honest and lay my cards on the table at the very start of a relationship than to be a fake version of myself until a year into the relationship”
    This is how exactly everyone should be.. Always let the other person know what they are getting into..

    • May 29, 2017 / 3:32 pm

      Thank you! If only everyone could be that way eh? Would make life a lot easier and save a lot of wasted time.

Leave a Reply