Back when I was single and hopelessly wading through Tinder, I would repeatedly wonder what on earth I had done wrong to make a guy stop speaking to me. I decided to ask my male friends who had experience of playing the field just exactly what it was that would turn them off a potential girlfriend:
Being too keen – probably a no brainer, and easier to discuss than to actually implement once you start liking a guy and wondering why on earth he isn’t replying to your 7th message that day. The age old rule of playing hard to get works for a reason – if there is no mystery, no chase, if everything is handed to them on a plate – they will get bored and move on to something that is more of a challenge.
Not being keen enough – but at the same time there can be such a thing as playing TOO hard to get. If you take weeks to respond to their messages, cancel last minute on dates, and put zero effort into making conversation with them once you do reply to their message, they will move on to someone that will pander to their ego.
Being a floozy – Again an obvious one, but one that in the days of Tinder is happening more and more often. Women are terrified the guy will lose interest or find them boring if they don’t give them everything they want straight away, but in actual fact, its probably their biggest turn off. If all it takes is a pizza and a couple of beers to make you sleep with them, they’ll be likely to suspect you would do the same with multiple others, and a girl that is ‘easy’ is never viewed as anything more than a casual FB.
When you lose your chill – by this, I mean asking guys the questions they all dread to here, ‘What are we?’, ‘Where is this going?’ ‘Are you seeing anyone else?’ From personal experience, every time I have asked this question, I have had a 100% success rate of the guy running for the hills and never looking back. Whilst asking these questions can be more tempting than scratching a hard to reach itch, be patient and wait for either:
- The right time
- You intuitively sense they are more interested/have had discussions about becoming exclusive
- The dating has dragged out and you get the vibe they don’t want to commit – to save you wasting even more time with him, just ask him outright and save yourself some heartache.
If they don’t make you jealous at all – only one male friend put forward this one, the other disagreed, but I thought it would be interesting to include to see what my male readers thought. Basically, it refers to a girl that in their eyes isn’t ‘attractive’ to other men. By that I mean, if the girl has a great social life and is always busy (and in other words doesn’t need the guy), if they have male friends/acquaintances that they spend time with or are photographed with then a girl is usually seen as a more attractive ‘prize’. Thoughts?!
The doormat girl – a girl that just goes with the flow and doesn’t stand her ground is about as attractive as a warm pint. Ladies, we need to learn to stand our ground, to not let guys walk all over us and stop being doormats. If the guy learns early on that he can treat you like shit he will continue to push that boundary and see how far he can go.
The bitch – If we become argumentative, moody, possessive, controlling, snappy, and worked up over little things, the guy will smell a drama queen and find himself a more chilled out chick. Learn to play it cool (but not become a doormat) and pick and choose your fights. Does it really matter that he didn’t text you whilst he was at the game with the guys? Does it really matter that he’s blown you off to spend time with his family or close friends?
There is someone better – this is probably the hardest pill to swallow and not one you can really control. In the era of online dating being as mainstream as avocados, it’s ridiculously easy for a guy to find a prettier, boobier, slimmer, bigger, funnier, kinder, more successful girl that he is more attracted to.
Again, these views are not my own but those of my close male friends. I would love to hear from both you guys and gals whether you agree?
they all make sense 😉 nice sum up
I pretty much agree with all points. I have experienced it myself. But nowadays, with easy sex available, I think many more guys who have their own issues with commitment are using the “losing interest” excuse with the girl just to avoid serious relationships.
We have so many man-boys walking around who are scared of becoming husbands and fathers and the responsibilities that come with it. So they will keep on blowing hot and cold with women until all the eligible women they “lost interest” in get hitched and they frantically start trying to settle in their 40s after family pressure mounts.
I think a man who really loves a woman won’t quickly lose interest. Of course you have to let him chase you initially, give him healthy space and be balanced emotionally as a woman but if he has set his mind to be with you, he will stay.
Sadly, fewer guys want to stick to one woman nowadays. It’s just the generation of easy sex, irresponsibility and variety we live in.
You are so right! I love your term man-boys! I agree with the point that if a man really cares about a woman non of those excuses would apply and it would just be straight forward from the off. Sadly, we do live in a time where are there more ‘hit it & quit it’ type set ups rather than relationships!
Playing to hard to get can be a turn off. Just lately I’ve had pretty long interaction with a someone online and she Didn’t give her number because “she wasn’t easy.” Her being easy or not never crossed my mind. It never stops amazing how women think chasing is fun. I’ve adopted a new mentality where chasing is a no no.
That’s a great mentality to adopt 🙂
Reblogged this on a french toolbox and commented:
Some ideas to churn
Thank you so much 🙂
I agree with much of it! There just seems to be a lot of girls on there window shopping and are pretty ignorant when you do speak to them! There also are ones who are easy and needy. It’s a difficult one because there are so many things that vary how a guy can feel about a girl and how it can be affected. Women have a lot more choice but there’s a lot of crap men. Men have much less choice and good ones are either already taken or hard to find 😂! Another great post 👍🏼😊
Thank you for sharing your thoughts – it’s interesting to hear your viewpoint. I’ve always believed that men have more choice (I’ve looked at a few of my males friends Tinder accounts and the amount of beautiful women on there is ridiculous) whereas I have felt it’s much harder for women to find decent men that aren’t weird or players. Great to hear a different view point 🙂
I have absolutely no luck when it comes to relationships (even less so with dating). I am rather awkward in person because I have chronic “foot in mouth” disease (it takes a supreme amount of effort to avoid it) and have some difficulty in reading behavioral/social cues, so potential dates usually to come away with the impression that I’m partly/completely insane (my friends know me very well and respond appropriately). I’ve indulged in some of those deadly sins, and I’m sure I’ve done some of them without realising it. *laughs*
As a result, the only person with which I have had a second (and third, and fourth, et al) date was my ex-wife, but we were both awkward and she thought my nervous tic was amusing, so it worked out well.
Oh bless you! thank you so much for sharing this, I’m sure there are plenty of people out there for you it’s just a matter of persevering! I tend to drink a bit too much on first dates and end up with verbal diarrhea in an attempt to fill any awkward silences that may arise – everybody has their quirks 🙂
omg this post is sooo relatable to me right now. ive just had a huge right with the guy I’m kinda seeing as he said he wants nothing to do with me. so gonna give him some space. and I’m always the one who says I’m busy as I blog and go out with friends ect…. he hasn’t deleted me off snapchat so I’m guessing he just needs space 🙂 great post xx
Thank you for sharing this with us! Giving him space definitely sounds like the right idea, hopefully with some time apart he will have a change of heart, and if he doesn’t – he wasn’t the right one for you!! Big hug xx
he still opens my snapchats, I keep sending them by accident as hes top of my list :(. Yeah fingers crossed but I’m not banking on it 🙂 xx
Oh no! As long as you focus on making yourself happy and being the best possible version of yourself, then anything extra is a bonus 🙂
nawwh that’s such a lovely thing to say <3 I shall bare that in mind xx
Good I’m glad 🙂 xx
Interesting post. Big turn off for me was when a woman and I were talking and yet we end up arguing about something she said as if we were dating …at that point I knew she wasn’t the one for me …
Interesting! (and backs up my point about women being bitchy!) Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you so much 🙂
Hey Giulia, thanks for coming in to see me at Steve Says! Come again, stay a while – have a drink even. I look forward to seeing more of you in the blogging world. Don’t forget, if you like music then check out my music blog talkaboutpopmusic.com. Steve…
Hey Steve! No problem, I will be sure to check out more of your blog in the future 🙂
Hi Giulia! Happy to have found your blog! I love the layout, the style the content…everything! I’ve read some of your posts and I can’t wait to read more! Looking forward to following you 🙂
Lisa | http://www.fromdreamtoplan.net/
Thank you very much Lisa 🙂
I have written you a pm of fb 🙂
I am just re-watching all the series “Sex and the city” now. And your blog reminds me (sorry!) of that great women! 🙂
All the best in London (lucky you to live there!)!
Thank you very much! That is the highest compliment you could pay me 🙂
Glad to hear this!!
And who is you favourite? Carrie, Samantha, Miranda or Charlotte? 🙂
I think I’m most similar to Samantha!! She is much funnier than me though!
In regards to the “doesn’t make you jealous” point, I very much agree with your friend. SUCH a turn on for me being with a girl that makes me at least a little jealous. Is it healthy? Probably not. But, I feel that in a way, it forces me to be better. She’s desirable and wanted by others, so I gotta be on point! When I’m working out, I’m gonna add that extra mile to my run. When I’m going to see her, I’m gonna take an extra 20 minutes to get ready. Does that make any sense? I like having a girl who (without nagging me) forces me to be a better me.
When you get a new handbag you really like, you obviously bought it because you liked it. But isn’t it even better when all your girlfriends LOVE that handbag and wished they had it?
(BTW, I realize what a lousy comparison that was. I’m in no way trying to say women are handbags, but it’s early here in L.A. and it’s the best I could come up with)
Just my 2 cents 😊
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I couldn’t agree more – you do get a form of buzz from being with someone that is desired by others and it does make you work harder to be a better version of yourself, which I think can only be a good thing! P.s I liked the handbag comparison 🙂
Good to read. I think of it as if I am a prize that a guy should want to show off that he has won. Or is being given the opportunity to win! Haha! But alas, actually….I think this dating business sucks! Can’t we just say what we think and have honest open communication from the beginning. Maybe since I am looking to date 50 yr old guys we can. : ) I’m 48.
I lose interest because I get the opposite. Men moving to fast. Since I won’t sleep with them and I’m celibate they really don’t want to talk to me,.. but I don’t care because they happen to be taken anyway.
All…Unfortunately true! x Thanks
Not sure about the jealous one, but all the others are spot on. Instead, he should feel that though she has other options, perhaps a LOT of other options, she has chosen to be with him. That is sure to keep his interest more than if she were to flirt, or have a male ‘harem’ so to speak.
PS, love your blog
Glad you can relate and thank you very much 🙂
How do I find the right balance of not seeming too keen / not seeming keen enough? It’s like I can’t win
I guess it will vary from person to person, but I would say it would involve keeping in regular contact, without bombarding/double texting/pestering them to meet you. It means showing an interest that you would like to see them again but not hassling them for when they’re next free to see you. Does that help?
Yes it does. Though in practice I always come across too keen and over analyze why someone doesn’t message me back or what I did wrong. I’ve also been accused of not showing enough interest. But the few people I fall for never seem to reciprocate.
It seems as though you hold back from showing emotion to people because you are worried that they will lose interest, but then as soon as you let your guard down they seem back away?
This is a good list apart from the don’t make you jealous one – that’s just game playing to me. It’s boring and a sign of someone who’s just not going to be honest with you.
I would also add intelligence. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist (I’m sure as shit not) but smart enough to have a conversation about something, anything. God I’m bored of women who have nothing intelligent to say. That might partly be linked to don’t be a doormat though, it’s sexy when a woman can talk to you without being afraid what you might think.
I completely agree with intelligence, for me there is no bigger turn off than a guy that can’t hold a conversation that is anything other than superficial!
I had “the bitch” ; we dated for two years, and it seemed like things i did weren’t good enough. I actually treated her better her ex bf, and ex husband. The possessive, moodiness, and neediness was too much for me, and i couldn’t deal with that and being a full-time college student. I did my blood pressure a favor by letting go, because my blood pressure skyrocketed dealing with it. I was the only guy she was with that didn’t end up with legal issues dating her : )
Well done for being strong enough to realise the relationship was unhealthy and let go. Sounds like you did yourself a big favour there 🙂
Every girl that has made me a little jealous has had my total attention. I would want to be sure I was offering something that other guys (the competition) weren’t offering. So, yes, I agree with the “Make him a little jealous” statement.
Glad you agree! It’s interesting to hear so many different view points on this
Good to know. I’ve got em lined up at the door. Haha. I didn’t know I was supposed to tell them about the line though. Haha. So. I’ll try that.
My experience is that the girl looses interest. Why?
Women like the attention of other men more than vice versa.
Men are less macho hunters than you think 😎
Haha I think are better at putting on a front than women!
well I can agree not all but some of them….Every girl is unique and thats what make them special….you just cant relate this ideologies with them
Thanks for sharing your perspective 🙂