I have recently gotten into a relationship with an incredible guy. He is pretty much everything I wanted in a partner but I had given up hope of finding someone like him.
But for some reason, I can’t fully trust him, and worry over things that perhaps I shouldn’t. I realised this morning what I believe has led to this inherent lack of trust despite how much he tries.
It’s not something I like to admit but I have been the other women on multiple occasions. Granted there was one occasion where I knew the guy was in a relationship but the rest failed to mention the tiny detail that they were already taken when we met.
I fell hard for these men, they were charming, affectionate, and spoiled me with attention. They made me feel so incredibly special, as though I were the only girl for them.
But over time the same thing would happen, either I or the girlfriend would discover they were in a relationship with someone else and everything that was once perfect would crumble into a pit of nastiness.
I can give a few examples to better explain myself( all names have been changed)
– Andy – the guy on his stag do who I met in Spain and spent the entire week relentlessly trying to sleep with me before he became ‘trapped’ (he failed in his attempts).
– Thomas – a guy I met in Barbados who after pointing out his newlywed wife at the other end of a bar suggested we find somewhere ‘quiet’.
-Saul –a friend of a friend who I met at a house party that sweet talked his way into my bed (and also declared his love that same night, I should have known he was odd then) who I found out the next day had a girlfriend.
-Hugh- a guy who I met through friends that only ever talked about the fact he was divorced at 28 and didn’t tell me, when we embarked on a relationship that he infact lived with a girl.
– John – a guy I met in work who invited me on a date after informing me he was single, only for me to discover through social media that he had a pregnant girlfriend.
-Neil- perhaps the one that affected me the most to this day. This one I knew was in a relationship but fell so hard for him anyway. I floated on cloud nine when I was around him, he promised me the world and treated me better than I ever had done before. But history has a tendency to repeat itself and he ended up leaving me for another woman once we eventually started our relationship.
The point I’m trying to make is that I have seen these men – the majority of whom were normal, and not the ‘type’ you may expect to be a player – lie so seamlessly to their unsuspecting girlfriends time and time again. Even when questioned, they could always think on their feet, cover their tracks as soon as they made them.
Now, years later when I’ve finally met someone I genuinely care about I can’t help but wonder if he is lying just as seamlessly, or if, just maybe, he is one of the few decent ones left out there.
You can find this post (and others) on the Huffington Post too! http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/../../giulia-smith/why-being-the-other-woman_b_13673694.html
then go look him in the eye. and ask him directly.
And they wonder why we have no trust left for the right one. I’m sorry you seem to be meeting the same guys I do. Try to find a way to trust this one.
Author
thank you 🙂 I will do my best!
Don’t give up. FML’s advice is solid. Look him in the eye.
Author
Thank you!
I’ve been the other woman too so I totally understand what you mean. Great post.
Author
Thank you! I’m glad you can relate 🙂
Sad but true, there is alot of manipulative men out there. Problem is often the most charming people are the most deceptive…a good reason to keep in mind that our feelings are not always our friends.
Author
That is what I have come to realise too sadly!
I find it hard to understand the “other woman” thing – like, why would you want to be with someone who couldn’t be faithful and why would you do that to another person? I realise it’s never that simple but I find it hard to understand. Anyway, I think it’s unsurprising you have trust issues. You can only go on someone’s word though. If you can’t trust them, then that is a problem. Not all guys are the same though 🙂
Author
I can totally appreciate why people find it hard to understand, the only instance where I was ‘aware’ of being the other woman started off as a platonic friendship that over a long period of time slowly turned into more. It’s definitely not something I am proud of doing!
You’re right, not all guys are the same so I definitely need to give this one the benefit of the doubt!
You have a way of writing that hooks,an open honesty that appeals. As for advice I’ve long learned not give, all a man can do is be him that is if he yet knows who he is?
Author
Thank you so much 🙂 Very nice of you to say!
It’s also great advice you’ve given – thank you!
I feel for you Dear, those are some terrible guys, to continue a relationship with someone else and sweet talk you the way they have done. It is hard to know if this present guy is the one, but I know your luck will have to turn for the better at some stage. Hugs to you, Terri xo.
Author
Thank you so much Terrie 🙂 That is very kind of you to say!! xx
You are welcome you deserve better, you seem a really sweet girl in search of a sustaining love. Hugs Terri xo.
Thank you for sharing. Everyone is so judgmental towards other women but no one ever really knows the true story. I do admit that I do sometimes do the same thing. My lack of faith in men started with my dad as he cheated on my mother and my sister found out (with one girlfriend and told me). I have been the other woman twice. Both times, I did not know they were married until I was involved. The first one I found out real early and dumped him but the second one, I fell in love with before I found out. It was so painful. I have also had men try to get me to be with them that were married. It is hard to trust, for sure. I am also pretty sure my ex cheated on me, All the signs were there.
Author
I’m so glad you can relate! People automatically presume that being the other woman you lured a helpless man away from his partner, when in reality it is the complete opposite.
Thank you so much for sharing your story 🙂
It isn’t always the opposite. There are women that prefer to date married men. I can’t imagine wanting to be the other woman but they like the attention with the freedom, I guess.
Based on personal experience: statistics does not lie – 4 out of 5 men, who are in a relationship (gf, engaged, married etc) use every opportunity to “get some” if their significant other is not around! It might sound cynical but it´s could hard truth because men are not made out to be monogamous.
Author
I didn’t know that stat.. thanks for sharing! I can genuinely believe that too. I think it relates in parts to another article I’ve written, about why people settle (and ultimately end up unhappy and wanting something more).
Trust is a huge huge huge thing. I am married and still have a problem with trust! But I have learnt that you have to be cautious, and sometimes have to risk everything for something you are passionate about.
Author
Really? I’ve had a few married friends tell me the same, I wonder if we can ever fully trust someone 100%. Thank you for sharing your tips 🙂
Oh yeah definitely. You hear so many stories and statistics and your own insecurities prevent you from trusting fully. But I guess its always best to try! 🙂
As a gay male, I’ve found myself in many similar situations – I’ve later found out that a few guys have boyfriends they forgot to mention, and in one case a guy I slept with later mentioned that he had just gotten engaged to a girl. As awkward as it is to bring up, I now try to have a conversation with guys I am getting closer with to figure out where the relationship is going – are they seeing anyone else, are they looking for a monogamous relationship, etc. I find that people are more honest when these topics are addressed head on.
Author
Thank you for sharing 🙂 I think you’re right, the best way forward is to be as honest as early on as possible, too many people are scared of the answer they will receive if they ask where the relationship is going, which in itself should be a tell tale sign!
I’m at a lost for words right now because I feel the exact same way, except I don’t know there was someone else, I believe heir word, they even said they were single and dating and yet they had a wife, a pregnant girlfriend or had several women with their kids. I’m so glad I’m celibate and there’s a good reason why the dating never goes anywhere. I learn that a man will be on his best behavior until he gets what he wants.
Author
Good to know that you can relate to my views!
Ummm… it makes one think. Who can you trust??
I admire your honesty. I have also had problems with the women in my life, which reminds us that it takes two to tango. Best to you. I enjoyed the article.
Author
Thank you very much 🙂