We lower our expectations – if a guy asks a question we think he’s a keeper. Most guys give one word answers and expect us to keep the conversation going. He actually asked me how my day was?! Definite boyfriend material.
Whilst also raising them – he doesn’t have a sleeve? No beard? He’s not a CEO? Doesn’t wear a 3 piece suit daily and own a pug? Not interested. Who cares if he actually has a decent personality.
We become skittish – we get ‘ghosted’ (for those of you blissfully unaware of this term, it refers to when a guy or girl stops communication with no warning and you don’t hear from
them again) so often that we try to for see the signs of when a guy will suddenly cut contact with us. Cue a series of frantic thoughts. ‘It’s been 3 hours since he last messaged!’ ‘His last message was briefer than normal.’ ‘He’s been busy all week! Am I going to be ghosted?’
We lower our self esteem – the dating game is an endless worry (at least for women) of wondering who else the guy is spending his time with. We stalk there Instagram’s and Facebook for signs of other girls and never stop comparing ourselves (and finding a way to fall short) to all of them.
We become worse people – for some reason both men and women place a lower level of respect on people they have met online then with people they met in real life. Maybe because that initial bond wasn’t there but was instead a mutual right swipe. With the ones we aren’t interested in we are ruder, more abrupt and don’t care if it doesn’t materialise into anything as there will always be another waiting at the touch of a swipe.
So call me old fashioned, but I still believe that nothing can beat a relationship that began based on chemistry, conversation and mutual respect for one another.
We have so much apps In the USA to help us meet people ..
But I don’t trust a permanent relationship like this …
For a little online communication and connection or a little fun.. where no emotional strings attached.. no real expectations is required. No obligations…
But for those who are seeking … Let’s say love ❤️… it does ruin a lot of things
There are definitely lots more apps available in the UK too such as plentyoffish and match.com which are aimed at people looking for more serious relationships, but I think for my age group (around 25) my peers tend to use Tinder.
I totally agree that if you are looking for fun/no strings its the perfect platform, I just feel that women often fool themselves into thinking they want something casual, when in reality after a while of dating a man they want something more. This is by no means a generalisation, but just something I have observed frequently amongst women of a similar age to me.
I agreed totally
“I just feel that women often fool themselves into thinking they want something casual”
Truest statement I have read for a while. You won’t find many girls that want something casual. It’s just not in our nature (read about the hormone Oxytocin) However, tell a guy that’s what you want and you’ll become closer?? They’ll want you more?? They’ll eventually fall for you and you’ll be the one to change them??! Being casual is a way to get closer, but majority of the time it never ends that way. I’ve been there… it sucks!
Glad you agree! Exactly if you tell them you want something casual they will only be made up/want to see you more because they genuinely believe its no strings attached and perfectly suited to what they want – whereas we lull ourselves into thinking we can eventually dazzle them into wanting more!
Have you tried Bumble? I know a lot of women like that app.
I have! The calibre of men is higher but the outcome still the same (on the whole – for me anyway!)
Very interesting and meaningful share. It is making us more shallow than ever
thank you – unfortunately it does! hopefully it will reach it’s peak eventually.
Great post. The social value of women has been on a steady decline since the 1960s and garbage like Tinder has only served to speed up the process. Tinder does not benefit anyone looking for a high quality relationship. Women need to demand a higher quality of man again. Step one is dating offline. Real, meaningful conversations with full on romantic value need to happen face to face – not screen to screen.
Couldn’t agree more! Our stands for what is acceptable are slipping too much unfortunately. Hopefully it will peter out eventually and we can go back to old fashioned face to face meet cutes!
I love this post! It says exactly what I think about Tinder. And I have had my fair share of guys turning into “ghosts”.
Thank you Brittney 🙂 glad you can relate!
Well, I’ve never used dating app, but I work in a pub in Westminster so I’ve seen a lot of “tinder dates” and those five points seem pretty accurate to me. It’s refreshing to finally read someone honest enough to disclose this facts.
Thank you 🙂 it’s cool you can relate just from observing.. must see some interesting dates working in a pub!
Yes I do, I mean you see a lot of things: shy people that really need tinder to meet other people and that’s cute. You see serial daters who are dangerous, you witness dates when both are checking out any boys and girls and that makes you wonder “what’s the point?” But what I see most often are dates that start when both are drunk.
They spend three hours on their phones, and when the gin kicks in all of sudden they found the love of their life. A few weeks later you see them coming with another date.
But observing people coming in and out of relationships made me realize one thing:
Tinder isn’t about beginning love stories. It’s all about going on dates.
And when you think about it it’s so true because once you’re engaged, they don’t make any money.
Just like banks want to be indebt forever, tinder wants you to pay your “love-debt” that you own to your heart forever.
And that’s the trick, many people go there to find love, but all they offer you is a date, and then you have it, but there is still a gap in your heart. It’s true though they never promised people that they’d find love.
And you get criticised if you are a sensitive person that wants and need more than just “dating”
Anyways, sorry I’m talkative but I’ve been thinking about it a lot 😅
Love your post! I think you really capture the essence of the problem and the world it is leading towards.
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
I did try Tinder out, but I found that it was having a pretty bad psychological effect on me. A few of the problems I had:
I found myself swiping through the app w/out really thinking about the individual people (even tho I often tried to read profiles).
I was exposed to a lot of profiles / pics of people I really didn’t like and it made me feel weird, I’m talking indecently dressed, really rude words about men etc.
In one instance i was quite impressed with a profile and wrote a nice long intro message complimenting what they wrote and asking some more detailed questions, they unmatched me w/out replying, that really made me feel awful? – why did they match me in the first place?
I guess I am not cut out for the tinder game, my points aren’t criticism on women btw, just the system, I am sure it works both ways.
So I am trying to avoid online dating now, I feel like it really has a negative impact. I do know some people are happily married from a tinder meeting, but I guess I just don’t want to go through the experience.
I’m sorry to hear that – online dating is so different to regular dating, people treat you with less respect and act much ruder and blunter than they would in real life. I’m definitely an advocate for real life dating, so stick at that and I’m sure you’ll be fine 🙂
I have had the same experience after being on Tinder and other dating sites. With some many options, how can I know that they are just talking to me and not copying and pasting the same messages? The new dating apps have made dating more stressful and rejection even harder. I have been ghosted quite a few times and unmatched the moment they want a dirtier conversation than I am willing to have. Dating in this generation is hard!
Glad you can relate to this too! It has taken all the fun out of dating and made it feel like an interview round for a job! I much prefer meeting people in real life.
This is all SO true, though I would argue that Tinder ruins both men and women equally. I run a series on my blog called The Tinder Files where I post conversations I’ve had with guys on Tinder. So many of them need to remember that there’s an actual person on the other end of the rude messages that they’re sending, which speaks to your point that we become worse people.
I’ve had a read of that on your blog, it’s crazy some of the things men say. So many of my male friends have openly said they see Tinder like any other mobile app game and so speak to people as if they are not actually ‘real.’
omg that’s crazy– like a game?? You just reaffirmed what I’m doing. Thanks for taking a look at my blog though!
This is soooo awesome! I totally agree with you. I was on tinder for a little while, and to be honest, it was just for entertainment. And then I realized that I was trying to find love in the wrong places. Thanks for this post! 😊 btw, I’m loving your blog so far!! ❤️
Thank you so much 🙂 that’s very kind of you! Glad you are liking my blog and good on you for looking elsewhere for love!
Thank you so much for sharing!! 🙂
I think by talking about the subject it’s a good first step though. Maybe as online dating evolves and becomes even more of a common thing the same standards will be applied that girls do in real life. Good read, thanks for sharing. 🙂
That’s true.. it would be interesting to look back in a couple of years and see if our standards and behaviours have permanently changed.
It totally depends on what someone is looking for.. If you are looking for love then it’s a total waste of time. I also don’t wanna date a guy from tinder because I’ll always be wondering if he’s secretly “swiping”. I know some people who have had long term relations after meeting on that app but I’m not interested.. Tinder is a joke to be honest!! It’s too shallow and full of weirdos that I don’t even bother! The worst part also is other dating sites have become ghost towns because everyone is now running to this easy to get laid app called tinder 🙄
Haha that is so true! When you meet someone in real life you presume they are single and don’t think about who else they are dating whereas with tinder your immediate thoughts are that they probably have 4/5 other girls on he go which isn’t the nicest thought. It’s definitely a shallow way of finding someone compatible!
Exactly. And most profiles are stupid.. They almost all say the same things.. I’m also not sure who lied to men that women want to see bare chests & gym selfies. I don’t even care about 6pack and budging muscles .. The number of shirtless photos on tinder is incredible. Or posing with Tigers/drugged animals, groups of women, or flashy cars that aren’t theirs, posing half naked at the beach or in underwear, posing whilst lying in the bed and so on…. And they all write that they are addicted to travel and the gym.. men are also making the famous duck faces.. Smh 🙄.. Tinder is just designed for shallow people.. I’m sure there are some good people but that’s a needle in a haystack.
haha I coudn’t agree more! I have seen so many profiles like this. Just yesterday I had to tell a male friend just how much of a turn off it was to see a man’s profile picture where is surrounded by women thinking he it makes him look more attractive. I swear sometimes we are from different planets!
I guess it really depends on the person and what you’re looking for, but this post is so relatable for me. I ended up deleting Tinder after one and a half months of actively using it, because I felt like I was just wasting my time.
Thank you, I’m glad you could relate! 🙂 It really is dependant on what you are looking for, but I think most women end up hoping they will find something more than a casual affair.
Great article and a lot of truth in there.
Thank you 🙂 Glad you thought so!
On a personal note, I was using online dating apps in the past and I just believe it wasn’t healthy. If you have bad social skills, I think using dating apps only makes your social skills worse. I think its better to improve yourself and your social skills; and try to meet a lover in the real world. You cannot really have chemistry with someone you meet online, because you can’t truly know someone unless you meet them in real life. You can’t look into their eyes when you first meet them and get an idea about them, because your just typing data to each other over the net. You make some really good points in your article, and its really great to hear a woman’s perspective about online dating. I agree with you, nothing beats an old fashion meeting between a man and woman, where lightning strikes and there’s instant chemistry (I’ve probably only experienced this twice in my 35 years of being on earth and it never occurred in online dating). I’ll definitely check your blog regularly, its good to hear a woman’s perspective about dating, keep up the good work.
Thank you very much 🙂 I’m glad you like my blog! I’m always interested to hear male perspectives on things too, so will check out your blog. But I agree, I much prefer to meet people in real life than faff around with online apps.